Do you remember when you learned to
drive? Although I grew up on a farm I never drove the tractor or pick-up for
farm work. We did not have a 4-wheeler all those years ago. I had a bicycle.
That was the extent of my “behind the wheel” experience. Until I was
15-years-old. My cousin had no more experience than I did so my aunt decided to
take her and I to the pasture to get a feel for being in the driver’s seat of
the car before we started drivers education. We took turns driving my aunt’s
car in circles in the pasture as our orientation for driving on the streets of
the small town where we would have our first on-the-road driving experience.
Fast forward about 15 years. My
husband bought a second car – an ugly green Fiat. This ugly green Fiat, which
looked like a box on wheels, had a manual transmission. No big deal. It was the
car he drove. Until the day I had to take it home from church.
Parked on the side of the street, facing up-hill, I had to manage shifting
gears as I did the clutch-gas-brake dance in such a way that I could get the
car away from the curb and moving forward.
Needless to say, the men who were
standing outside the church were given plenty of fodder for laughter and future
stories about their inept pastor’s wife who did not know how to drive a
stick-shift vehicle. Difficult and embarrassing as it was, I was determined. I
was motivated. I had to get home. There were other times when, if I wanted to
go where I wanted to be, I had to drive the ugly green Fiat. And I did. I never
enjoyed driving this car, but I did not let it hinder me from getting me to my
desired destination.
I knew no more about how to navigate
through grief a year ago than I did about driving a car the day my aunt took me
to the pasture. Moving forward with grief is as jerky a ride as one got when I
was driving our ugly green Fiat. It is quite a miserable ride. However, it is a
process that does eventually get one from point A to point B. Driving a car, even
an ugly green stick-shift Fiat, becomes easier with experience. Navigating life
as a surviving spouse also begins to feel more comfortable with the passing of
time and the accumulation of successful accomplishments. I am learning how to
shift gears more smoothly as I traverse this road of grief.
One day my husband came home with a
cute little blue Honda in place of the ugly green Fiat. I was ecstatic until I
got in and my eyes were drawn to the lever between the front seats. How could
he? I was not happy. But then I took it for a drive. I was able to flawlessly
shift from one gear to the next! Unbelievable! The ride was not at all jerky.
The combination of what I had learned driving the Fiat and having a better car
made a world of difference in my manual-transmission driving competency.
It has been almost a year since I
found myself behind the wheel of widowhood, driving in circles around the
barren field of life, afraid and overwhelmed. Nothing was automatic. Everything
required a clutch-gas-brake dance. Without a choice, I started griever’s
education, doing the book-work in the privacy of my home and on-the-road
driving in public as I ventured out onto both old and new roads.
Things are starting to change. The
ride is smoothing out. It does not feel like the road is always uphill and that
I am just jolting back and forth. Some things have now become automatic for me.
Others still need to be manually shifted, but I am learning the process and
becoming more confident. Persistently praying the names of the Lord has carried
me through the ruggedness of grief and is empowering me to rise up and stand
firm, trusting the Lord to carry me through the day.
RISE UP Some
trust in chariots and some in horses (or ugly green Fiats) but we trust in the
name of the Lord our God. They are brought to their knees and fall, but we rise
up and stand firm. Psalm 20:7
* One of our authors, Lois Hoogeveen, lost
her husband in early March to a battle with cancer, which began just 3 months
earlier. Jim and Lois had pastored 5 churches, 2 they planted. At the time they
were hit with this disease they were transitioning into specialized
transitional ministry for the next season of their full time ministry. They
were and are good friends of Ascending Leaders. Through the journey with
cancer, Jim and Lois wrote and shared their "breath prayers," each
day. "Breath Praying" is something they had first learned seven years
ago from the Ascending Leaders Christ Habits book Prayer: Listening to God's
Voice.
Since Jim's passing, Lois has been continuing to write excellent reflections on this journey along with breath prayers. She has consented to allow us to share some with you. Lois is also the core author of two of our newest workbooks: Since Jim's passing, Lois has been continuing to write excellent reflections on this journey along with breath prayers. She has consented to allow us to share some with you. Lois is also the core author of two of our newest workbooks: Your Pathways: Strong Connection with God and Thriving: Stewarding Unexpected Change.
Since Jim's passing, Lois has been continuing to write excellent reflections on this journey along with breath prayers. She has consented to allow us to share some with you. Lois is also the core author of two of our newest workbooks: Since Jim's passing, Lois has been continuing to write excellent reflections on this journey along with breath prayers. She has consented to allow us to share some with you. Lois is also the core author of two of our newest workbooks: Your Pathways: Strong Connection with God and Thriving: Stewarding Unexpected Change.
