Since Jim's passing, Lois has been continuing to write excellent reflections on this journey along with breath prayers. She has consented to allow us to share some with you. Lois is also the core author of one of our newest workbooks: Your Pathways: Strong Connection with God.
Breath Prayer: I AM WITH YOU
Lois Hoogeveen
August 26, 2012
There, that’s done. I’ve said this many times,
sometimes audibly, sometimes silently, after a big event, a special worship
service or a challenging situation. The message of There, that’s done is
broad. It holds feelings of accomplishment as well as relief after hours of
preparation and anticipation leading up to the situation that warrants this
response.
This week was a There, that’s done week. A funeral. A
tombstone. An anniversary. Attending the first funeral since my husband’s, I
found myself struggling to breathe as I waded in the pool of lament for the one
I had lost five months ago. The tombstone that marks my husband’s grave, which
I saw for the first time this week , stood as a monument of the finality of the
death of my beloved. Anticipation of the day that should have been our wedding
anniversary sent my emotions into a wild tailspin.
How long O Lord? This is another phrase I have
repeated many times, sometimes audibly, sometimes silently, these past months
through days of struggle, sickness, death and grief. Sitting at my husband’s
gravesite on our wedding anniversary day, seeing his name forever etched on the
headstone that stately stands where he is buried, the words of the Psalmist
poured out of my soul, How long, O Lord? How long must I wrestle with my
thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart? (Psalm 13:2) My husband is
gone from this life. He is in glory. I am left with a huge void in my life. How
long will this pain last?
In some ways it seems that death visited long ago and I
should no longer be feeling so much sorrow. In fact, I have had weeks where the
sadness has been less intense. But then this week came with a wham, wham, wham
of firsts that again ripped open my heart and soul. I cannot say, There,
that’s done. But I can hear God saying to me, I am with you. How do
I know God has not left me or forsaken me? I hear it in His Word. I feel it in
my soul. I experience the presence of God through the calls, visits and
emails of family and friends. Never underestimate how you, as a member of the
Body of Christ, are the hands and feet of Jesus on earth. Although I do
not understand the mystery of prayer, I believe in the power of prayer. I
have experienced unexplainable strength, comfort and peace on days that I
anticipated would be unbearable. This, I believe without a doubt, is because
God is responding to the prayers of His people. I have received good
returns on everyone’s prayer investments.
I do not believe grieving will ever be done. I believe it is
a condition that I will live with for the rest of my life. "When you lose
a mate, you lose part of yourself," says Dr. Jim Conway. "It's as if
you've had an amputation of an arm or a leg. I think that you don't really
recover; you adjust, and the process of adjusting varies with every individual.
There's no formula." Beverly Lewis says, “You do heal, but you are never
the same.” I believe the symptoms of grief will become less intense and the
frequency of their appearance will decrease. I believe there will be days when
I might not feel sorrow in my heart. I believe that the Lord God is always with
me. I believe that He can take away my fears, my sorrow and my emptiness and in
its place fill me with His Presence and His Peace.
I Am With You I have called you by name;
you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when
you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk
through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.
For I am the Lord, your God….Do not be afraid, for I am with you. Isaiah
43:2,3,5
