Walking the Journey of Grief--one breath prayer at a time #13

Breath Prayer: PUROSE

Lois Hoogeveen*

September 23, 2012

Fixing puzzles is not my idea of having a good time. I am not very adept at matching those tiny pieces and not very patient with the amount of time it takes to put something together that is just going to be torn apart. Right now I feel like a box full of disconnected puzzle pieces. What is God’s new picture of my life, currently being assembled piece by piece, going to look like?

God can use you. He has purpose for your life. I find myself not liking these well-meaning words people say to me. I know they are saying exactly what I have, in the past, said to them or to someone else. Interesting, isn’t it, how something sounds so profound when we say it to someone else, but so deafening when someone else says it to us?

A year ago I would have articulated my driving purpose in life with these words: I am God’s treasured possession who is passionate about my calling to encourage, support, equip and release others to be who God created them to be and do what God created them to do. For over twenty years I have enjoyed leading women’s Bible studies as well as training and coaching group leaders. Over the past months I thought that by fall I would be ready to “get involved” again. It’s fall. I am not jumping in.

My role in the church has changed. My focus in life has changed. My passion for serving has changed. I’ve encouraged many people to learn about themselves, to discover who God created them to be so they can do what God created them to do. Now I am resistant to the who and the do.

I do not hear God telling me what I am supposed to DO. I realize I don’t WANT to find my purpose in life as a single woman. But like it or not, that is what I AM. Deep down, I know I don’t just want to survive. I want to be revived. Re-discovering my purpose is difficult. It is painful. I am resisting, because moving forward means letting go of a part of the past that I don’t want to release. The pre-cancer past.

What is God’s purpose for my life? Has it changed? Have I changed? He knew before I was born, He knew on the day I got married, that this day was coming when I would be alone, with all the pieces of my life disassembled. Perspective is important when putting a puzzle together. Grieving can skew how one looks at things. A grieving person might be prone to dwell on the past and resist the future. We might focus on what we have lost without acknowledging what we have gained. We lose hope in the truth that from God’s perspective this time in our life is exactly what He has ordained for us.

What have I gained? Above all, I have gained a deeper awareness of the Presence of Christ in my life from the moment I wake up until I fall asleep at night. I have also gained a deeper dependence on God through the big and small stuff of each day and week. I have gained freedom from some fears that at one time weighed me down.

How are the pieces of your life fitting together? Do you feel good about the picture that is unfolding? Do you know who God created you to be and what He created you to do? Different dynamics may have ripped the pieces of your life apart, making it difficult for you to rebuild your hopes and dreams. Each of us is God’s unique masterpiece and the pieces of our lives connect to create a one-of-a-kind picture.  I know I need to depend on God to put my life back together -- because I don’t like fixing puzzles.

PURPOSE For we are God’s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do. Ephesians 2:10

* One of our authors, Lois Hoogeveen, lost her husband in early March to a battle with cancer, which began just 3 months earlier. Jim and Lois had pastored 5 churches, 2 they planted. At the time they were hit with this disease they were transitioning into specialized transitional ministry for the next season of their full time ministry. They were and are good friends of Ascending Leaders. Through the journey with cancer, Jim and Lois wrote and shared their "breath prayers," each day. "Breath Praying" is something they had first learned seven years ago from the Ascending Leaders Christ Habits book Prayer: Listening to God's Voice.

Since Jim's passing, Lois has been continuing to write excellent reflections on this journey along with breath prayers. She has consented to allow us to share some with you. Lois is also the core author of one of our newest workbooks:  Your Pathways: Strong Connection with God. 

Breath Prayer Through the Journey of Grief #12

Breath Prayer: PERSEVERE

Lois Hoogeveen*

September 16, 2012

Sometimes it’s the little stuff that becomes the breaking point. Brewing morning coffee. Deciding what to eat. Sifting through the mail. Grocery shopping. Vacuuming. Dishes. Laundry. Watering the plants. Pulling weeds. Bringing out the trash. Bringing in trash cans. Washing bugs off the car. Filling the car with gas. Pop-up boxes on the computer. Grilling. Changing furnace filters. When you live alone you don’t even have any one else to complain to (or blame) when you cannot find something or when things get messy.

Each one of these tasks is not that big a deal. None of these tasks are new to me. But forced to take responsibility of not just the bigger stuff – paying the bills, reconciling the checkbook, managing house, lawn and car maintenance, deciding what to do about snow removal, making social, personal and financial short term and long range decisions --  but being responsible for every mundane little task that is a part of living is an aspect of loss that sometimes tips me into a melancholic state of gloom and doom. Partner-living has become solo-living. Some days I don’t like the fact that I have to think of every little thing myself and do it - alone. Greatest of all, is that there is that the person I have always debriefed with, processed information with, made decisions with is gone. The day to day chit-chat, talking about what’s happening in the church, community or world, commenting on the beautiful sunrise, sunset, moon and stars, hearing his thoughts on the heat, rain, cold, snow (or lack thereof)  and the long term impact,  is no longer a part of my life. The absence of “little stuff” conversations is replaced with the echo of my own thoughts in an empty room.

Family dynamics have changed with the loss of a father and grandfather. I ask myself if and how my role changes now that I am the only parent of adult children, the only grandparent to their children. But it is nothing in comparison to the explosion of change that strikes a surviving parent of young children. My situation is so much easier than the single parent who has the sole responsibility of raising her/his children, having sensors out for their grieving process, caring for their spiritual, emotional and physical well being, getting them to and from school and church activities, entertaining them, teaching them life skills – and the list goes on.

We take much for granted. In marriage couples develop an ebb and flow for doing life. We share and tweak responsibilities and develop routines that work for us. When death pays a visit, all patterns are scrambled. It takes time to build awareness of the scope of being solely responsible for one’s life. It takes time to accept the reality of being solely responsible for one’s life. It takes time to learn all the skills needed to be solely responsible for one’s life.

Some people have a natural bent toward independent living. They like to be totally in charge of their life. Others, like me, prefer a team approach even to daily living. Some people enjoy the unexpected. Others can be thrown completely off balance by it. Sometimes we don’t get what we want. God allows us to be in situations that we would not have chosen. He uses those situations to help us mature and depend more fully on Him.

How do I deal with the little stuff? Some days pretty well. Other days not so well. That’s the precariousness of grief. It is unpredictable. It may be irrational. It does not follow a predictable timetable.  No matter where I am at, this I know - God is God. He doesn’t just show up for the traumatic and dynamic situations that come into our lives. He is there for the little stuff as well as the big stuff. He is there every hour of every day, every minute of every hour, every second of every minute. We seek God’s help for the big stuff. But often we try to do the little stuff in our own strength. Truth be told, it’s the little stuff that takes perseverance. The challenge to be godly is often greatest in the little stuff.

Lord, help me persevere through the big stuff and the little stuff.

PERSEVERE For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; and to knowledge self-control and to self-control, perseverance, and to perseverance, godliness. 2 Peter 1:5

* One of our authors, Lois Hoogeveen, lost her husband in early March to a battle with cancer, which began just 3 months earlier. Jim and Lois had pastored 5 churches, 2 they planted. At the time they were hit with this disease they were transitioning into specialized transitional ministry for the next season of their full time ministry. They were and are good friends of Ascending Leaders. Through the journey with cancer, Jim and Lois wrote and shared their "breath prayers," each day. "Breath Praying" is something they had first learned seven years ago from the Ascending Leaders Christ Habits book Prayer: Listening to God's Voice.

Since Jim's passing, Lois has been continuing to write excellent reflections on this journey along with breath prayers. She has consented to allow us to share some with you. Lois is also the core author of one of our newest workbooks:  Your Pathways: Strong Connection with God.

Breath Prayer through the Journey of Grief #11

Breath Prayer: KNOW*

Lois Hoogeveen

September 8, 2012

What do you know? may be a casual question asked in a conversation between two people. What do you know! may be an expression of surprise. What do you know? may be a challenging question in a serious conversation.

If someone asked me What do you know? this week my answer could be quite different from one hour to the next. My thoughts and emotions soared to heights of peace and celebration and plunged to depths of anguish and desolation throughout the week. I know that my mother and my husband are home with the Lord, and rejoicing to be in His Presence. I know that one day I too will be safe in the arms of Jesus. But in the loving conversations with my children, whom I saw for the first time since their father’s funeral, I found myself grieving the long-term impact of being alone. I know I need to face and accept the reality of what my life is. I do not have a husband to come home to after a 4-day vigil in the hospital beside my dying mother. I do not have a husband to hold my hand as I say my final good-byes to her. I also know I am not the only one who is living with tough stuff. Many people have other painful situations they are dealing with in life. I know that God does not want me to waddle in my grief. I know I need to channel my thoughts and actions in ways that honor God and help me move forward. Knowing is one thing. Acting on what you know is harder.

What do you know? is an important question at the end of life. On New Year’s Day my husband posted this on his caring bridge:

A year ago I preached on one of my favorite passages, Colossians 2:2: My purpose is that they may be encouraged in heart and united in love, so that they may have the full riches of complete understanding, in order that they may know the mystery of God, namely, Christ.

Throughout my life and ministry my purpose was, and continues to be, to enrich people's lives by helping them know Jesus Christ and challenging them to grow in their relationship with Him. I know he loves me and will daily provide what is needed. That does not remove all the nasty things that go along with cancer; nor does it take away all the feelings of fear and sadness. But I do know Jesus will be with us and help us every day.

I love the song Knowing You, Jesus by Graham Kendrick. It focuses in a powerful way on the importance of knowing Jesus. Here are just a few of the lyrics.

Knowing You, Jesus, knowing You, There is no greater thing.
You're my all, You're the best, You're my joy, my righteousness,
And I love You Lord.

We ask you to join our breath prayer to KNOW JESUS and enrich the lives of others around you by helping them know Jesus and grow in their relationship with Him in 2012.

This week we celebrated my mother’s life. One of the verses she asked to have read at her funeral was 2 Timothy 1:12: I know whom I have believed, and am convinced that He is able to guard what I have entrusted to him for that day.

I have been blessed to have two parents and a spouse who knew what they valued, who had strong faith and who were convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. (Romans 8:37-39)

This theme resounded in both my husband’s and my mother’s funeral services: Do you know Jesus? The pastor leading my mother’s service said it so well, “You are either in Christ or you are not.” Knowing Jesus is the only source of strength for today and hope for tomorrow. Do you know Jesus? Is God calling you to help someone else know Him as Savior and Lord?

KNOW This is what the Lord says: “Let not the wise man boast of his wisdom or the strong man boast of his strength or the rich man boast of his riches, but let him who boasts boast about this: that he understands and knows me, that I am the Lord, who exercises kindness, justice and righteousness on earth, for in these I delight,” declares the Lord. Jeremiah 9:23-24

* One of our authors, Lois Hoogeveen, lost her husband in early March to a battle with cancer, which began just 3 months earlier. Jim and Lois had pastored 5 churches, 2 they planted. At the time they were hit with this disease they were transitioning into specialized transitional ministry for the next season of their full time ministry. They were and are good friends of Ascending Leaders. Through the journey with cancer, Jim and Lois wrote and shared their "breath prayers," each day. "Breath Praying" is something they had first learned seven years ago from the Ascending Leaders Christ Habits book Prayer: Listening to God's Voice.

Since Jim's passing, Lois has been continuing to write excellent reflections on this journey along with breath prayers. She has consented to allow us to share some with you. Lois is also the core author of one of our newest workbooks:  Your Pathways: Strong Connection with God.

Building Adult Discipleship Systems across a Congregation

 Pastor John was on the other end of the line. John is the church planter and lead pastor of a church of over 1,000 people in Nevada. “A couple years ago we built a discipleship and leadership development system for our whole congregation. But when we implemented our new discipleship system, it flopped. Creating and implementing a workable discipleship system for the whole congregation is very difficult. I like what I see on your website. You have successfully done what we found so difficult to do. We pastors do not realize how hard it is to build a workable system of discipleship. Will you help us?” That is how our relationship began. Six months later, 60 women, many who had never been in any small group before, met together over 6 weeks, sitting at six round tables, studying “forgiveness” in these small groups. That was just one part of a system for discipleship they began to implement and construct.

Almost 30 years ago Dallas Willard lamented that few churches had intentional plans for discipleship in their congregations. I expect that he is pleased today that more churches are talking about it and are making plans. 

If you are making a congregation wide discipleship plan, how confident are you that your plan will work? If you made a plan in the past, are you using it and seeing fruit multiply on account of it? I am not talking about a plan that will get 5% or less of your congregation into an intentional discipleship group, but one that gets much greater percentages of your congregation intentionally taking steps in discipleship.

Allow me to share some insights I’ve learned as I’ve coached churches through intentional faith development that will help you work a plan that will actually bear fruit by producing better disciples across your congregation.

1.      Provide multiple types of on-ramps for people to get into intentional discipleship. People need discipleship that is scaled to their place of spiritual growth. Many will not get involved, not because they are not committed as we so often think, but simply because the opportunities promoted feel highly threatening to them. One church developed a model that talks about “places” on the spiritual journey (intentionally NOT “levels”). They talk about an Exploring Faith place, a Foundational Faith place, a Growing Faith place and a Deepening Faith place. That is language that fits their church well. They are consistently asking if what they are providing for people at each faith place effects opportunities for them to move forward as disciples.

2.      While providing opportunities for people at all places on the spiritual journey, realize that most of your people are likely at the Foundational Faith place (what Willow Creek Association Reveal calls the “Growing in Christ” stage). Anecdotal evidence indicates that most churches, even most Christian Reformed Churches, have the majority of their people, no matter how long they have been a Christian, stuck at that place. How do you help these people get growing?

3.      Do NOT appoint a committee to study the problem and build a plan, as is our normal method in so many churches. While this approach may develop a complete report, it rarely leads to substantive, continuous spiritual growth in people’s lives across the breadth of the congregation.  Is that good stewardship of time and energy? Rather get a small team together to learn about discipleship systems and quickly implement small steps, reporting to the church leadership as they move along. Start small and get early wins in discipleship growth.

4.      Do NOT begin by taking a survey of where people in your congregation are at spiritually. Why would I not recommend starting there? Because too often lots of energy is spent on analysis, with little energy left over for implementation. Get started with planning small wins and implementing. If you want to take a congregation-wide test, take it later, after some discipleship momentum has begun.

5.      The Willow Creek Association indicates that the one catalyst for growth as a disciple they have found no matter where people are in the spectrum of spiritual maturing is “engaging scripture.” Notice that it is not necessarily “knowing” Scripture or “memorizing” Scripture, which are important. Rather the focus is on looking to Scripture and engaging it in the life of the congregation. Look for ways to increase your congregation’s engagement of Scripture in all the nooks and crannies of your ministry. That is a great place to start building a system.

6.      The senior leadership needs to cheerlead the discipleship system. While I advocate starting bottom up, with small wins in the congregation, very soon into any new endeavor the senior leadership needs to cheerlead by talking positively about the steps to increased discipleship, retelling the stories of victory and making public their intentionality about their own personal spiritual growth.

This has only scratched the surface of all that can be said about building adult discipleship systems and growing a discipleship culture in your church. I’m available for coaching churches through creating their own discipleship process. E-mail me for more information about consulting and coaching.

For your reference, here is a list of just a few of the many books out on this subject (in order of publication).

·         Deeping Your Effectiveness: Restructuring the Local Church for Life Transformation by Dan Glover and Claudia Lavy, 2006

·         Reveal: Where Are You, by Greg L. Hawkins and Cally Parkinson, 2007.

·         Follow Me: What’s Next For You, by Greg L. Hawkins and Cally Parkinson, 2008.

·         Building a Discipleship Culture: How to Release a Missional Movement by Discipling People Like Jesus Did, by Mike Breen and Steve Cockram, 2009, rereleased 2011.

·         Move: What 1,000 Churches Reveal About Spiritual Growth, by Greg L. Hawkins and Cally Parkinson, 2011.

·         Become Like Jesus: Regaining Clarity on Transformation in the Local Church, by Mindy Caliguire, 2012.

·         Transformational Discipleship: How People Really Grow, by Eric Geiger, Michael Kelley and Philip Nation, 2012.

You can read my reviews of several of these on my goodbooks.com page.

 As you are ministering, make disciples! That is Jesus’ last command before he ascended. Making disciples is critical to living today the reality of the Kingdom.

Breath Praying through the Journey of Grief #10

One of our authors, Lois Hoogeveen, lost her husband in early March to a battle with cancer, which began just 3 months earlier. Jim and Lois had pastored 5 churches, 2 they planted. At the time they were hit with this disease they were transitioning into specialized transitional ministry for the next season of their full time ministry. They were and are good friends of Ascending Leaders. Through the journey with cancer, Jim and Lois wrote and shared their "breath prayers," each day. "Breath Praying" is something they had first learned seven years ago from the Ascending Leaders Christ Habits book Prayer: Listening to God's Voice.

Since Jim's passing, Lois has been continuing to write excellent reflections on this journey along with breath prayers. She has consented to allow us to share some with you. Lois is also the core author of one of our newest workbooks:  Your Pathways: Strong Connection with God.

Breath Prayer: HOME

Lois Hoogeveen

September 1, 2012

No more pain. No more sorrow. Not for two people I love. Six months ago I was by my husband’s side as God took him to heaven. Today I was by my mother’s side as she left earth and went to her eternal home. Both were Godly spouses and parents. Both suffered greatly during their final days on earth. Both are now free from pain. (Revelation 21:4)  Both were faithful, even to the point of death. Both now have the crown of life. (Revelation2:10) Both knew Whom they believed. (2 Timothy 1:12)

I feel pain. I feel sorrow. I miss two people I love. I know that the day will come when I too will move to my Father’s mansion. But not yet. Until then, I must live with confidence, not in myself, but in the One Who will one day also move me home.

HOME  Do not let our hearts be troubled. In my Father’s house are many rooms. I am going there to prepare a place for you. I will come back and take you to be with me. You know the way. I am the way. John 14:1-5

And now, dear children, continue in him, so that when he appears we may be confident and unashamed before him at his coming. 1 John 2:28