Breath Prayer Through the Journey of Grief #12

Breath Prayer: PERSEVERE

Lois Hoogeveen*

September 16, 2012

Sometimes it’s the little stuff that becomes the breaking point. Brewing morning coffee. Deciding what to eat. Sifting through the mail. Grocery shopping. Vacuuming. Dishes. Laundry. Watering the plants. Pulling weeds. Bringing out the trash. Bringing in trash cans. Washing bugs off the car. Filling the car with gas. Pop-up boxes on the computer. Grilling. Changing furnace filters. When you live alone you don’t even have any one else to complain to (or blame) when you cannot find something or when things get messy.

Each one of these tasks is not that big a deal. None of these tasks are new to me. But forced to take responsibility of not just the bigger stuff – paying the bills, reconciling the checkbook, managing house, lawn and car maintenance, deciding what to do about snow removal, making social, personal and financial short term and long range decisions --  but being responsible for every mundane little task that is a part of living is an aspect of loss that sometimes tips me into a melancholic state of gloom and doom. Partner-living has become solo-living. Some days I don’t like the fact that I have to think of every little thing myself and do it - alone. Greatest of all, is that there is that the person I have always debriefed with, processed information with, made decisions with is gone. The day to day chit-chat, talking about what’s happening in the church, community or world, commenting on the beautiful sunrise, sunset, moon and stars, hearing his thoughts on the heat, rain, cold, snow (or lack thereof)  and the long term impact,  is no longer a part of my life. The absence of “little stuff” conversations is replaced with the echo of my own thoughts in an empty room.

Family dynamics have changed with the loss of a father and grandfather. I ask myself if and how my role changes now that I am the only parent of adult children, the only grandparent to their children. But it is nothing in comparison to the explosion of change that strikes a surviving parent of young children. My situation is so much easier than the single parent who has the sole responsibility of raising her/his children, having sensors out for their grieving process, caring for their spiritual, emotional and physical well being, getting them to and from school and church activities, entertaining them, teaching them life skills – and the list goes on.

We take much for granted. In marriage couples develop an ebb and flow for doing life. We share and tweak responsibilities and develop routines that work for us. When death pays a visit, all patterns are scrambled. It takes time to build awareness of the scope of being solely responsible for one’s life. It takes time to accept the reality of being solely responsible for one’s life. It takes time to learn all the skills needed to be solely responsible for one’s life.

Some people have a natural bent toward independent living. They like to be totally in charge of their life. Others, like me, prefer a team approach even to daily living. Some people enjoy the unexpected. Others can be thrown completely off balance by it. Sometimes we don’t get what we want. God allows us to be in situations that we would not have chosen. He uses those situations to help us mature and depend more fully on Him.

How do I deal with the little stuff? Some days pretty well. Other days not so well. That’s the precariousness of grief. It is unpredictable. It may be irrational. It does not follow a predictable timetable.  No matter where I am at, this I know - God is God. He doesn’t just show up for the traumatic and dynamic situations that come into our lives. He is there for the little stuff as well as the big stuff. He is there every hour of every day, every minute of every hour, every second of every minute. We seek God’s help for the big stuff. But often we try to do the little stuff in our own strength. Truth be told, it’s the little stuff that takes perseverance. The challenge to be godly is often greatest in the little stuff.

Lord, help me persevere through the big stuff and the little stuff.

PERSEVERE For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; and to knowledge self-control and to self-control, perseverance, and to perseverance, godliness. 2 Peter 1:5

* One of our authors, Lois Hoogeveen, lost her husband in early March to a battle with cancer, which began just 3 months earlier. Jim and Lois had pastored 5 churches, 2 they planted. At the time they were hit with this disease they were transitioning into specialized transitional ministry for the next season of their full time ministry. They were and are good friends of Ascending Leaders. Through the journey with cancer, Jim and Lois wrote and shared their "breath prayers," each day. "Breath Praying" is something they had first learned seven years ago from the Ascending Leaders Christ Habits book Prayer: Listening to God's Voice.

Since Jim's passing, Lois has been continuing to write excellent reflections on this journey along with breath prayers. She has consented to allow us to share some with you. Lois is also the core author of one of our newest workbooks:  Your Pathways: Strong Connection with God.