Walking the Journey of Grief--one breath prayer at a time #13

Breath Prayer: PUROSE

Lois Hoogeveen*

September 23, 2012

Fixing puzzles is not my idea of having a good time. I am not very adept at matching those tiny pieces and not very patient with the amount of time it takes to put something together that is just going to be torn apart. Right now I feel like a box full of disconnected puzzle pieces. What is God’s new picture of my life, currently being assembled piece by piece, going to look like?

God can use you. He has purpose for your life. I find myself not liking these well-meaning words people say to me. I know they are saying exactly what I have, in the past, said to them or to someone else. Interesting, isn’t it, how something sounds so profound when we say it to someone else, but so deafening when someone else says it to us?

A year ago I would have articulated my driving purpose in life with these words: I am God’s treasured possession who is passionate about my calling to encourage, support, equip and release others to be who God created them to be and do what God created them to do. For over twenty years I have enjoyed leading women’s Bible studies as well as training and coaching group leaders. Over the past months I thought that by fall I would be ready to “get involved” again. It’s fall. I am not jumping in.

My role in the church has changed. My focus in life has changed. My passion for serving has changed. I’ve encouraged many people to learn about themselves, to discover who God created them to be so they can do what God created them to do. Now I am resistant to the who and the do.

I do not hear God telling me what I am supposed to DO. I realize I don’t WANT to find my purpose in life as a single woman. But like it or not, that is what I AM. Deep down, I know I don’t just want to survive. I want to be revived. Re-discovering my purpose is difficult. It is painful. I am resisting, because moving forward means letting go of a part of the past that I don’t want to release. The pre-cancer past.

What is God’s purpose for my life? Has it changed? Have I changed? He knew before I was born, He knew on the day I got married, that this day was coming when I would be alone, with all the pieces of my life disassembled. Perspective is important when putting a puzzle together. Grieving can skew how one looks at things. A grieving person might be prone to dwell on the past and resist the future. We might focus on what we have lost without acknowledging what we have gained. We lose hope in the truth that from God’s perspective this time in our life is exactly what He has ordained for us.

What have I gained? Above all, I have gained a deeper awareness of the Presence of Christ in my life from the moment I wake up until I fall asleep at night. I have also gained a deeper dependence on God through the big and small stuff of each day and week. I have gained freedom from some fears that at one time weighed me down.

How are the pieces of your life fitting together? Do you feel good about the picture that is unfolding? Do you know who God created you to be and what He created you to do? Different dynamics may have ripped the pieces of your life apart, making it difficult for you to rebuild your hopes and dreams. Each of us is God’s unique masterpiece and the pieces of our lives connect to create a one-of-a-kind picture.  I know I need to depend on God to put my life back together -- because I don’t like fixing puzzles.

PURPOSE For we are God’s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do. Ephesians 2:10

* One of our authors, Lois Hoogeveen, lost her husband in early March to a battle with cancer, which began just 3 months earlier. Jim and Lois had pastored 5 churches, 2 they planted. At the time they were hit with this disease they were transitioning into specialized transitional ministry for the next season of their full time ministry. They were and are good friends of Ascending Leaders. Through the journey with cancer, Jim and Lois wrote and shared their "breath prayers," each day. "Breath Praying" is something they had first learned seven years ago from the Ascending Leaders Christ Habits book Prayer: Listening to God's Voice.

Since Jim's passing, Lois has been continuing to write excellent reflections on this journey along with breath prayers. She has consented to allow us to share some with you. Lois is also the core author of one of our newest workbooks:  Your Pathways: Strong Connection with God.